DISPIRITED

How often do we see someone who is always very quiet and it seems as if the person is thinking about something and there’s always something bothering that person at the back of the mind. It’s so easy for us to say things like ‘it is just a phase’ and ‘be happy dude’ and at times people even make fun of someone like this and such people are given tags like ‘boring’, ‘loser’, ‘failure’ and what not. Even I used to be one of such people, who never actually took depression and anxiety seriously until it came down on me and took everything from me. 

I still remember myself being the funniest person in the whole friend circle and I used to be brimming with joy and laughter and I was actually living life back then. There was love there were heartbreakes there were friends, family, studies, a routine for the day, there were so many things. All of it is still there, but now it’s presence doesn’t feel like anything. I really don’t know if I can use words to explain this, have you ever felt that everything that’s happening around is pointless and everyone around is mad? You get compelled to isolate yourself and you lose hope of being happy ever again. I’m an eighteen year old boy and I have lost my spirit and have given up on life at the time when I need to make my career and make my life. I struggled to get through grade twelve and my score was below average that got me into some private university in which anyone was eligible to apply. Unfortunately because of some reasons I had to drop out after six months and it’s been almost five months since I’m at home doing nothing. Everyday I wake up in the afternoon with nothing to look forward to, go out with friends come home late in the night, get drunk, get high, go to parties do everything that most of the people want to do. But what I see is, someone who’s running away from the reality, using substances to lose my sobriety and escape. It’s hard to get through each second of the day, there’s negativity in everything, I get into arguments with friends and family and I feel insensitive towards the world. It’s so hard to find someone who understands me, I feel like I’m in an alien world where I’m one and everyone else is one. I try to study but I fail, I try to eat but I don’t feel hungry, I try to sleep but I just can’t. It’s 6:25am, my eyes are red, I’m stoned, and I’m having big big eye bags and I haven’t been able to sleep throughout the night. The sun’s risen, I can hear the birds chirping, it’s a beautiful day for everyone, but for me it’s yet another day worse than being dead. 

Being unaware about something is different and being aware and still not being able to do anything about is different. The worst part is that my own self thinks that I’m a loser. I have had so many self realisations and I try so hard to make myself happy but it just doesn’t seem to be possible. Not being sober has a major role in all this I believe but that’s the only escape I have. 

Living in a family in which no one seems to understand what I’m going through, having a hundred friends and still being lonely, messed up academic life, no backup family business to cling on to and nothing to look forward to causes great amount of anxiety and worry. 

 It’s a long day ahead with no hope, no enthusiasm, no energy. I may or may not open my eyes tomorrow, the latter sounds like a relief.

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8 thoughts on “DISPIRITED

  1. I’ve been there my friend. I still go there sometimes and it’s a dark bland world.
    Sounds like you’re in a downward spiral. You need to get uncomfortable for things to get better. Really force yourself to do something different, sign up to a sport or activity and go even if you don’t feel like it. Plan things and go to them is the best advice I can give.
    Find yourself a mental health professional or counselor if this is an option. It always sounds terrible to do but it helps.
    Read about CBT and mindfulness. They’re not magic, but you need as many tools as you can to tackle this.

    Good luck and hope you feel better soon

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks a ton! The mind gives us a million options but it’s upto us to use them as an excuse for today or use them today itself and do something. Let’s hope for the best.

      Like

  2. I agree with Nadir, mindfulness is a great aid – if you can practise it. Something I’m currently working on (not very successfully these days). I understand completely about feeling isolated and alone. Just know that you are not alone. Keep blogging and exploring. You obviously have a gifted mind, your writing is excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and can’t wait to see more. Take care x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel you should enroll yourself in any kind of activity like swimming,sports,instrumental music, bakery class etc. even the simplest one will do. And since you got really Good writing skills, share your experience here; everyday. We would love to read your experiences. You are a smart person who is able to understand your current situation.Joining activities will also help you meeting new people with different stories and can make some good friends.
    Pieces of puzzle also look like some messed up stuff but if you give it some time and analyse each piece, you will realize that: they can form a beautiful picture which you may have never expected (looking at those messed up stuff). That analysis will surely need Patience and u may also fail at your first few attempts but those trials will make u clearer. Remember, the result will be a “Beautiful Picture that u created by Yourself”.
    Good Luck for your mission :). I know u are going to create a Masterpiece. 🙂

    Like

    1. Now that’s something I don’t get to hear often or actually I have never heard someone say something that beautiful to me. Thank you so much you beautiful soul. That really motivates me. Thanks for making my day!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s wonderful that so many friends here see what I see… A fantastic chap with tonnes of intelligence. Really pumped that your fan base is increasing since I’d consider myself to be the founder member! It takes courage to share what you said and respond so positively.
    I sincerely hope and pray that you find your way out of this not-so-nice-place.

    Continue to fill us with the myriad hues of your insights.

    Will keep coming back here for more.

    Love and prayers, always

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are one of the bestest friends ive had and someone i can share everything with , i know its not the other way round but i would be happy to be there when in need .

    Liked by 1 person

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