DISPIRITED

How often do we see someone who is always very quiet and it seems as if the person is thinking about something and there’s always something bothering that person at the back of the mind. It’s so easy for us to say things like ‘it is just a phase’ and ‘be happy dude’ and at times people even make fun of someone like this and such people are given tags like ‘boring’, ‘loser’, ‘failure’ and what not. Even I used to be one of such people, who never actually took depression and anxiety seriously until it came down on me and took everything from me. 

I still remember myself being the funniest person in the whole friend circle and I used to be brimming with joy and laughter and I was actually living life back then. There was love there were heartbreakes there were friends, family, studies, a routine for the day, there were so many things. All of it is still there, but now it’s presence doesn’t feel like anything. I really don’t know if I can use words to explain this, have you ever felt that everything that’s happening around is pointless and everyone around is mad? You get compelled to isolate yourself and you lose hope of being happy ever again. I’m an eighteen year old boy and I have lost my spirit and have given up on life at the time when I need to make my career and make my life. I struggled to get through grade twelve and my score was below average that got me into some private university in which anyone was eligible to apply. Unfortunately because of some reasons I had to drop out after six months and it’s been almost five months since I’m at home doing nothing. Everyday I wake up in the afternoon with nothing to look forward to, go out with friends come home late in the night, get drunk, get high, go to parties do everything that most of the people want to do. But what I see is, someone who’s running away from the reality, using substances to lose my sobriety and escape. It’s hard to get through each second of the day, there’s negativity in everything, I get into arguments with friends and family and I feel insensitive towards the world. It’s so hard to find someone who understands me, I feel like I’m in an alien world where I’m one and everyone else is one. I try to study but I fail, I try to eat but I don’t feel hungry, I try to sleep but I just can’t. It’s 6:25am, my eyes are red, I’m stoned, and I’m having big big eye bags and I haven’t been able to sleep throughout the night. The sun’s risen, I can hear the birds chirping, it’s a beautiful day for everyone, but for me it’s yet another day worse than being dead. 

Being unaware about something is different and being aware and still not being able to do anything about is different. The worst part is that my own self thinks that I’m a loser. I have had so many self realisations and I try so hard to make myself happy but it just doesn’t seem to be possible. Not being sober has a major role in all this I believe but that’s the only escape I have. 

Living in a family in which no one seems to understand what I’m going through, having a hundred friends and still being lonely, messed up academic life, no backup family business to cling on to and nothing to look forward to causes great amount of anxiety and worry. 

 It’s a long day ahead with no hope, no enthusiasm, no energy. I may or may not open my eyes tomorrow, the latter sounds like a relief.